How to Lose Friends

\Today is a beautiful day. You people are lucky because you can hear to present.

Ladies and gentleman, I would have to ask you to drop everything you are currently doing and listen to me for the next 10 minutes. That includes you Mr. Hamid. My proposal is incomparable to what are about to receive from my mouth so please just listen. Hitherto you all have heard about 19 presentations and some are good while most not so. Today, you are going to hear the best. Because I am the best. It might be, the best you’ve had for the past few semesters Mr. Hamid. Most of you would try very hard to emulate me, to want to be me, to want to be able to present like me. But please, don’t be too hard on yourself when you fail. It’s just not that easy. To those who have presented, I praise you for doing an average job but I think your marks are about to be revised down a notch. And to those who will be presenting after me, I wish you more luck because the benchmark will be set, this high.

Arrogant snob.

Am I insulting you? Do you feel like you’ve been maligned? If you don’t feel anything, you must be really really naïve or well just too dumb to comprehend. Ladies and gentleman, I had no intention of doing any of that. What I did was to let you experience how an arrogant snob of a friend can make you feel. Honestly, did any of you felt like beating me up there and then? Well, you’ve just learnt first hand how to lose a friend. You might be wondering, did I even point out anything? Listen on. Do not be surprised, arrogance is not something we deal with everyday. In a group of friends, we are always nice to each other. Yes we do joke around and be discourteous sometimes but it’s all in good humour. But when a friend crosses the line and keeps bragging and insulting us we feel, threatened to use a socially correct term. We start to dislike this particular friend and if the insults and arrogance do not cease, we begin to grow hostile. If any of you are planning to lose a certain someone. Just do what I did.

Be Difficult and complain all the time

If however you’re not planning to lose some one but a group of ones, then it’s seriously simpler than counting to 3. All you have to do is just be yourself. You have to agree with me that we are more accommodating and more compromising when we are around friends. We tend to yield to the wants of many and many of us bury our own opinion to look aligned with the direction set by the group. It’s all very sociable.

To be anti-social, you’ll just have to voice out anything that pops into your head. If you feel like eating KFC while the rest wants to eat McD, voice your wants. When they still insist on going to McD, show your temper or threaten to go alone. They will most probably yield to your will once, twice maybe even a third. Nevertheless, when this opposition happens too regularly, you will indefinitely be sidelined for someone more accommodating.

If that doesn’t pull the trigger, you might need to start complaining and whining all the time. Friends, we hang out with friends to have fun and enjoy ourselves. We spend time together to feel better with our lives and to make time pass just a wee bit faster.

Is it any wonder then when a whiner appears and disrupts the feel good atmosphere we start to stay away? He whines and complains all the time and his constant doing makes us feel uncomfortable and bad. All he talks about is how sucky and terrible his life is. We might be able to sympathise and lend an ear a couple of times. But when we are surrounded too regularly by this negative energy, we start to feel repulsed. Sooner than later, the group will decide to ditch this whiner. So, whine like a female dog. And I digress.

Be Selfish and Possessive

There are some people who suffer from inferiority complex and may require constant encouragement or guidance. Act as though all your friends possess this psychological malady. Control his/her life like you’re playing The Sim’s online. Hey, we have to take care of our friend’s right? But take it to the next level, pretend that he can’t think for himself and that YOU know what’s best for him. He wants fries and burgers? Say NO! Have an apple instead! Decide everything for him even though he didn’t even ask for your opinion but ignore him when he really needs a friend. If he is going through a rough patch, tell him you are busy, you have to take your neighbour’s dog for a walk. But, expect him to drop everything to help you with your problems, no matter how trivial.

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You’re better and they are servants

Since we are on a roll here, you might as well treat your friends like your humble servant. Do not ask but demand that favours are completed. When you need to get your car fixed or you feel lazy to do assignments. Get your friend to do it for you. Do not even attempt to come up with excuses, you don’t owe him any. He is obliged to do it for you because he is your friend. Your wish must be obliged because you are better than him. You are the sun that brighten ups his sad and sorry life. He should be grateful that he is friends with such a superior person.

Constantly highlight that you’re richer, smarter and more accomplished than he is. Flaunt your wealth like you mean it. Belittle him when he share his achievements with something greater that you have done or haven’t do but thinking about doing. It doesn’t really matter.

Selfishness is a key to be labelled as an unworthy friend. The strings of friendship will crumble in the grasp of an iron hand

Girlfriend and best friend

Ladies and gentleman, I am about to teach you one of the most subtle ways to break up with your partner. The only consequence is, you will lose a friend in the process. Invite your best friend to go out with you and the love of your life often. What you would think is “It is great that my partner and my best friend are getting along so well, the three of us can go and hang out together” - more people, more fun. Also, you want the 2 important people in your life to be amicable so that you’re not stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You also think it’s great to have an extra helping hand. 2 guys can achieve more in an hour what a guy and girl can do in 2 hours. Except in making babies. What happens in the real life? Your best friend begins to call your partner more often than you would like and they seem to have loads to talk about. You shrug it off thinking they must be talking bout how wonderful a guy you are.

But Every time you ask your friend out, he seems to be doing something. It’s just so happens that your partner suddenly says she’s very busy and have to work even late at night. You have some suspicions but still accept what is happening - probably it’s just a coincidence. Next thing you know is a wedding invitation from them where you are on the guest list!!! Now you are out of your friend and your partner’s life. Talk about killing 2 birds with one stone huh?

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

I have been speaking on how to destroy friendships for so long I have outstretched myself. I have forgotten that the easiest way to destroy something is to weaken the very foundations it is built upon. Everyone has a past and that includes your friend. Live your life as though you’re the center to everything. You don’t have to inquire about their past, heck why do you even care when you’re not in it? It’s only worth knowing if you’re part of it. Don’t ask about what have happened in their lives and don’t tell them what you went through either. Maybe he was a pole dancer before or a medic who worked in afghanistian, saving hundreds of life. Maybe you were of the opposing sex before this. You don’t have to be interested in all that, it’s not even interesting! Assume that your friend is uninterested in your life story too. Sharing is not recommended.

If you don’t inquire about your friends or tell them a little about yourself, you are like 2 separate entities bound together with nothing. And if there’s nothing to hold it together, it is bound to separate.

Ladies and gentleman, although I have shared some pointers on how to lose friends, I seriously do not recommend taking such perverse actions unless really necessary. Unless a friend has been a real pain in the ass and we’ve decided without regrets that he is unworthy of our time and love. There is no turning back after embarking on these actions and if when you start to regret, a sorry is truly insufficient. So I urge you to take note of but not try these actions IF you find yourself unconsciously doing any of these, stop and correct yourself. Friends are truly one of the most important things one has in ones life. One more friend is better than an enemy.

Thank you very nice.